The Church of Gooficus This is the forum for the Church of Goofyicus. This is were we come to show our love for Goofius the Ridiculous God of Goofyness. | |
| | Fragments I wrote for another poem! | |
| | Author | Message |
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Dr Goofy Mofo The Goofinator
Number of posts : 609 Age : 37 Location : Ames,IA,USA Registration date : 2008-03-31
Character sheet Goofyness: (28/60) Whats going on: site is going strong Current Mood:: Good
| Subject: Fragments I wrote for another poem! Wed Apr 30, 2008 7:31 pm | |
| Thou the path may seem old and worn, and our spirt may seem withered and torn, The choices we made have lead us here, It's time we suck it up and face our fear.
______________________________
A way to face these tormented shores, A way to open these closed doors, Together we dream of better days, Together we will set this world a blaze.
______________________________
We wipe the sand from our eyes, To see yet another old days demise, With a new day before us we take up a new path, All in our way shall fear our wrath.
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And breath you shall, For your lungs fill as my heart, Your love will guide me , Your Strength will save me, For I have spent years searching, Now that I have you I will not let go, You and I are one and one we are, Together we shall face eternity. | |
| | | Sister Faith Fartinal
Number of posts : 374 Age : 93 Location : Kanuck-da-duck Registration date : 2008-04-02
Character sheet Goofyness: (26/55) Whats going on: the ususal Current Mood:: Goofy
| Subject: Re: Fragments I wrote for another poem! Fri May 02, 2008 11:23 am | |
| - Dr Goofy Mofo wrote:
- Thou the path may seem old and worn,
and our spirt may seem withered and torn, The choices we made have lead us here, It's time we suck it up and face our fear.
______________________________
A way to face these tormented shores, A way to open these closed doors, Together we dream of better days, Together we will set this world a blaze.
______________________________
We wipe the sand from our eyes, To see yet another old days demise, With a new day before us we take up a new path, All in our way shall fear our wrath.
__________________________________
And breath you shall, For your lungs fill as my heart, Your love will guide me , Your Strength will save me, For I have spent years searching, Now that I have you I will not let go, You and I are one and one we are, Together we shall face eternity. I know you said it was only fragments for another poem but that sounded like it was complete! I like it. Especially "And breath you shall, for your lungs fill as my heart" | |
| | | Dr Goofy Mofo The Goofinator
Number of posts : 609 Age : 37 Location : Ames,IA,USA Registration date : 2008-03-31
Character sheet Goofyness: (28/60) Whats going on: site is going strong Current Mood:: Good
| Subject: Re: Fragments I wrote for another poem! Fri May 02, 2008 12:02 pm | |
| I think if i add in transitions it could work! Thanks! | |
| | | Dr Goofy Mofo The Goofinator
Number of posts : 609 Age : 37 Location : Ames,IA,USA Registration date : 2008-03-31
Character sheet Goofyness: (28/60) Whats going on: site is going strong Current Mood:: Good
| Subject: Re: Fragments I wrote for another poem! Fri May 02, 2008 12:23 pm | |
| what about this?
Thou the path may seem old and worn, and our spirt may seem withered and torn, The choices we made have lead us here, It's time we suck it up and face our fear.
A way to face these tormented shores, A way to open these closed doors, Together we dream of better days, Together we will set this world a blaze.
We wipe the sand from our eyes, To see yet another old days demise, With a new day before us we take up a new path, All in our way shall fear our wrath.
We walk the path with new determination, Thou the path is long and windy, It might take our breath away, But we will not let it!
And breath you shall, For your lungs fill as my heart, Your love will guide me , Your Strength will save me, For I have spent years searching, Now that I have you I will not let go, You and I are one and one we are, Together we shall face eternity.
or cut off the last paragraph
Thou the path may seem old and worn, and our spirit may seem withered and torn, The choices we made have lead us here, It's time we suck it up and face our fear.
A way to face these tormented shores, A way to open these closed doors, Together we dream of better days, Together we will set this world a blaze.
We wipe the sand from our eyes, To see yet another old days demise, With a new day before us we take up a new path, All in our way shall fear our wrath. | |
| | | Qryos New Goof
Number of posts : 46 Location : Northern Nevada Registration date : 2008-04-24
Character sheet Goofyness: (25/50) Whats going on: Current Mood:: Good
| Subject: Re: Fragments I wrote for another poem! Sat May 03, 2008 3:14 am | |
| ~ I don't know what kind of comment you want. I do love the imagery! Thou the path may seem old and worn, and our spirit may seem withered and torn, The choices we made have lead us here, It's time we suck it up and face our fear. A way to face these tormented shores, A way to open these closed doors, Together we dream of better days, Together we will set this world a blaze. We wipe the sand from our eyes, To see yet another old days demise, With a new day before us we take up a new path, All in our way shall fear our wrath. ... Very nice! {'Thou' should be though or tho' ... I don't intend to annoy or anything! Its just, well, I've edited poetry for some published poets because I catch stuff like that.} That paragraph ya cut off? And breath you shall, For your lungs fill as my heart, Your love will guide me , Your Strength will save me, For I have spent years searching, Now that I have you I will not let go, You and I are one and one we are, Together we shall face eternity. ... That's another poem... Work on that & you have another lovely! Poetry is so fluid & personally connected. It's very difficult to critique a poet because it's so personal, I know. It's always your Art & Vision & Voice!!! Ignore me easily. Stay true to yourself. | |
| | | Dr Goofy Mofo The Goofinator
Number of posts : 609 Age : 37 Location : Ames,IA,USA Registration date : 2008-03-31
Character sheet Goofyness: (28/60) Whats going on: site is going strong Current Mood:: Good
| Subject: Re: Fragments I wrote for another poem! Sat May 03, 2008 11:23 am | |
| Thanks! I think I needed to add some just for the book poems but A book will not give you any criticizing which you need to grow.
Through the treacherous years, You have always been my crutch, You were there for me in tragedy, You never faltered from my side, Now it is my turn to be there, I must feel your lungs with hope, And breath you shall, For your lungs fill as my heart, Your love will guide me , Your Strength will save me, For I have spent years searching, Now that I have you, I will not let go, You and I are one, and one we are, Together we shall face eternity, So lay your head to sleep, For tomorrow is a new day. | |
| | | Qryos New Goof
Number of posts : 46 Location : Northern Nevada Registration date : 2008-04-24
Character sheet Goofyness: (25/50) Whats going on: Current Mood:: Good
| Subject: Re: Fragments I wrote for another poem! Sun May 04, 2008 4:09 am | |
| ~ You want criticism? Just need to know how far you want me to go. Poetry is very personal & I don't want to ever stomp on an artist, ever! It's YOUR Voice, Your Vision, Your Art! | |
| | | Dr Goofy Mofo The Goofinator
Number of posts : 609 Age : 37 Location : Ames,IA,USA Registration date : 2008-03-31
Character sheet Goofyness: (28/60) Whats going on: site is going strong Current Mood:: Good
| Subject: Re: Fragments I wrote for another poem! Sun May 04, 2008 9:41 am | |
| Well without it everyone just tells you it is good... there is no it is bad or it sucks which is if it is what you need to here. | |
| | | Qryos New Goof
Number of posts : 46 Location : Northern Nevada Registration date : 2008-04-24
Character sheet Goofyness: (25/50) Whats going on: Current Mood:: Good
| Subject: Re: Fragments I wrote for another poem! Sat May 10, 2008 10:56 pm | |
| ~ Just in case you'd like? I don't want to critique poetry here, it's not the place for such. forloveandjoy.yuku.com It's my personal poetry-fiddling place. If you do want another point of view & whatever, post there & I'll be glad to assist | |
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